When talking about trials, I've frequently used the oceans waves as a comparison.
You're fighting the waves, and many times it seems like you're finally able to break through the waves and gasp for air before being pummelled by another wave.
Definitely what a lot of us have felt like during hardships. Definitely how I have felt through almost all of them.
But this last week, I feel as though experienced something a bit different.
KC asked me on Friday how I was feeling. I told him I felt like I was getting hit with a battering ram.
I'd have moments where I felt okay, but then it'd hit and man would it hit hard.
I feel like a battering ram is worse than the waves. It's deceitful. It gives you a few moments to feel like you're okay. To feel as though it's over. But in reality, each hit is just weakening you.
If you've seen any type of war movie, you know what I'm talking about. For me, I think of Return of the King. The Orcs are attacking Gondor. In order to gain entry, they use a battering ram (which apparently is named Grond) against the big wooden doors. Doors that could hold up to almost anything.
Here's the thing about battering rams; they slowly destroy us. They take away our strength. With each hit, our resolve to stand in our battle weakens.
With each hit, we begin to question who we are, what we're doing, and why we're in the battle that we're in.
More importantly, we begin to question God. We begin to doubt His character. We begin to wonder if He was ever really on our side at all.
We yell and get angry. We tell God 'Haven't we had enough?!'
Right now, I'm not getting any answers. It feels as though He's just holding me while I rage on. And sometimes, that's all we need.
I know many of you do not understand what KC and I and the boys are going through and feeling.
I know you're not sure how we can feel so much love for someone we've "only met on paper".
That's okay guys. It's hard to understand. We don't need you to understand and we don't need you to fix it.
Just the love and little words of encouragement have been enough.
It's okay if you don't have big words of wisdom. Some of the best things that were said to us were simple "I don't know what to say, but I'm praying for you" sort of things.
Guys. It comes in waves. I find the hot tears running down my face before I even realize it. Small things cause the tears to begin; like realizing we are going to miss her 5th birthday and realizing we could be gone over Thanksgiving.
I'm confused. I'm frustrated. I'm sad.
And right now, God is holding me through each hit we take.
I came across this quote on Thursday:
And I've been holding tightly to it. Mulling it over. Praying about it.
And it hit me.
I don't trust in God because of what He can do for me, I trust Him because of who He is...
He is my Comforter. My Protector. My Father, and my Friend.
He is my Provider, and my Healer.
He, dear friends, is FAITHFUL.
I constantly hear people say, "He'll never give you more than you can handle"...
I don't think that's true. I think if God gave me just as much as I could handle, I'd have no need to call on Him. I'd think I'd accomplished it of my own accord.
I think He gives us MORE than we could handle ourselves. So that when we climb out on the other side, we and everyone around us knows it was by His grace and the glory goes to Him and only Him.
So right now, as I'm dusting myself off before another blow, I know that He is the only way that I will make it through.
He is the reason for the fight.
I, we, will continue on to fight the good fight of faith.
For no other reason than HE is.