Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Joy in the Journey

Okay - I'm not normally a negative Nancy and I'm trying super hard to remain positive and upbeat. But boy let me tell you, Sometimes. It's. Hard….. at the beginning. Once you start to realize what's unfolding and how something you originally thought was "negative" is actually a "positive" from God. For example: Life has been pretty ding dang dong stressful and emotional this year - yep, since January oh-1 of 2012. Between work, family, the adoption, and finances - my emotions/stress level is on overload. 'Oh mish-mash!' You say. 'Who doesn't have stress in 3 out of 4 of those areas?' Well, the family aspect has been the most stressful. Without getting into all the gory details, I have not seen my dad in almost 3 years. I've probably only talked to him on the phone 3 times in those 3 years. My sweet boys: Caedmon has only met his grandfather only 2 or 3 times and dear Oliver has never laid eyes on his grandfather….

In January we found out a few things that are hard to deal with concerning him. My father is back in the States from Mexico. My still kinda-angry-little-girl-heart i wants him to suffer this out on his own. My broken-little-girl-inside-heart naively wants him to become the dad we always wanted him to be and wants everything to be butterflies and rainbows. And my almost-healed-Christ-follower-heart knows that it's all in His hands; that' there's nothing on earth I can do to change him.

I will be seeing my dad for the first time in almost 3 years on Friday. And boy am I nervous.

I've subconsciously asked God to relieve some of my stress and emotions that are all battling inside (through the wailing "stress induced" prayers). And He's done that - not by taking away the situation regarding my dad - but by putting the adoption process on hold until I can fully deal with this family situation. It's not what I wanted - not at all - but I wasn't specific in what I asked. AND I think He knows that this thing with my dad is pivotal in allowing God to completely heal my broken heart - that wound inflicted by my father. Because, how can I go into our home study interviews with all of this weighing on my mind - especially when she begins to ask questions about my dad. Yeah - we had to fill out family questionnaires' - let's just say my dad didn't get high marks.

Our home study has been pushed back another month. And after the initial wallowing in anger/self-pity, I breathed a sigh of relief. I didn't feel like I could add any more to this toppling plate of issues and responsibilities. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a bit irked, but I know that right now, that's what I need. One less thing to worry about. Now, I'm not telling you all this to feel sorry for me - but to remind you that God can make something great out of something bad. Whether or not my relationship with my dad ever becomes what I've dreamed it would, God is helping to heal my broken issues. Issues I've been in denial about for a long while… To quote Austin Powers: " Nothing could be my father from the truth….. No I dadn't…. Daddy didn't love me!!!" lol. (hey, I gotta lighten this post up somehow right?)

The best thing I can do right now is continue to choose JOY. Not always easy, but worth it in the end.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
{James 1:2-4}

Thursday, February 2, 2012

A Work in Progress

So far it looks like I'm making good on my resolution to post to the blog at least once a month. Surely I can keep this up! Haha. Then again, it's only February......

Well, as far as the adoption goes, we're ready to start the home study this month. I sent an email to our social worker earlier this week and am just waiting on a response. I know they get crazy busy and I'm trying not to go all crazy-psycho-stalker-lady on them - probably wouldn't look too good on my part.  ;)  I'm trying my very hardest not to get impatient, but it's so hard when the home study has been stalled by the holidays. I'm ready to dive into it! And, as you all know, I'm very much a "planner", and I'd love to be able to knock out our longer home study session with a day that I'm already scheduled off at work next week. But that's looking less like a reality since it's already Thursday.

I know I'm continually mentioning this, but God is REALLY showing me what it means to trust in Him. It seems like that's what He's always trying to show me. It's been the same thing since I was a teenager and even now as I'm one week away from 25(!!!). {Rabbit trail: I'm not freaking out about the fact that I'm getting "old", but the fact that it's all gone by so fast!} I'm learning that I have trust issues. And those issues normally lead to a freak - out session because it's something beyond my control. With God's help, we've resolved a big part of that issue (plug for Freedom Ministries @ KPC. haha). But I still have a LONG way to go. And let me tell ya, nothing stretches your comfort zone of trusting in someone/something more than the adoption process! I'm sure those who have been through it before can attest to this.

This entire thing is based on trusting a lot of people - many of whom you have never met. Trusting that they get your emails, trusting that they've sent in your paperwork to the proper places, trusting that we won't be led astray…. And let me tell you - THAT. IS. HARD. But do you know what's going to make it easier? Not trusting in them. Trusting in God. My God who hung the sun and the moon and the stars. My God who told the oceans to only go so far. My God who knit me together inside my Momma's womb. My God that has been there with me through it all, even when I thought I couldn't see Him. My God who still takes me back no matter how many times I hurt Him. My God who will let me lay my head on His shoulder and cry in His presence. My God. Who loves me fiercely and wants only the best for His daughter. My God. My Father. He knows what is best for me, for KC, for Caed and Ollie, and for little Effie - whatever stage of life she is in. Just like my boys trust me without question, I need to trust in my Father and the life He has planned for me.
I'm a work in progress - and I'm proud of it.


Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
-Philippians:6-7 NLT