Hard pressed

We do not have any good news for you guys. Just that it's not yet over. We’re going to have to keep fighting.

 

We found out today, after the team in Ethiopia met with some officials:

 

“what we took away from it is that while there is no intention to close ICA and no specific goal toward denying any particular children, there does seem to be a very politicized effort to delay and discourage cases from being released/approved for ICA”

 

ICA means inter-country adoption. Meaning the delays are merely a political strategy; my daughter is in an orphanage because the powers that be aren’t sure they want to continue with inter-country adoptions.

 

All we know is as of right now, we should eventually get travel clearance. We aren’t sure how long until we get it and we aren’t even sure if they’ll change their minds and deny us travel at all. We’re still waiting on more answers from our agency.

 

Right now, I’m not feeling much in the way of emotions. Mostly because I think I’m refusing to believe that the delay could go on for a few more weeks or months.

 

I’m in denial.

 

We likely won’t hear any more news in regards to our case this week. Next week is Christmas, so if we don’t hear anything by Wednesday, we won’t hear anything until the following week. 

The team in Ethiopia has another meeting next week, one they’re hoping will help to pressure the Ministry to sign off on all waiting cases. We’ll have to wait and see at this point.

 

I can’t quite describe to you the feelings that come with knowing that there is no reason for these delays; other than to simply delay and discourage adoption. I can’t quite describe to you the feeling that comes with knowing that my daughter is 8,000 miles away, waiting for me to come and get her.

 

This hurts. Beyond belief.

 

I’m dreading the look on my boys’ face when I tell them it will still be a while before we get to bring their sister home.

 

DREADING IT.

 

They’re understanding now how much this wait hurts. They have a good enough grasp on time, that they know this has taken forever and will take even more time.

 

KC and I have decided to spend some time the next few days praying and fasting. Not only for us, but the other families who are waiting. Our agency has 8 families waiting for their signature. I can’t imagine the number of parents waiting with other agencies.

 

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”

 

Friends, please continue to pray on behalf of these families and these children. We can all use as many prayers as we can get. ❤️

 

 

{“But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who have faith and preserve their souls.” –Hebrews 10:39}

  

  

 

The hard

I'm not gonna lie. Today was a bit rough. 

Guys. Adoption is hard. This is hard. Being halfway across the world away from your child is hard. 

Physically, emotionally, spiritually, and every other -ally. 

The last few weeks, I've tried very hard not to cry each time we heard bad news. I've done pretty well. 

But I think it was just damming all the emotions. Because this weekend was difficult. 

I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want anyone to ask me questions. Because I didn't think I had enough strength to hold the tears in. 

Turns out, I didn't. 

As I was sitting in church today and the first song started in worship, I couldn't hold it in. And I didn't (for whatever reason I had in my mind) want to cry buckets of tears sitting on the front row. 

So I made my way to the bathroom as quickly as I could. And I cried in the stall for the remaining 2 songs. 

I freshened up and walked back out like I was fine and hoped that the message was something irrelevant. 

It wasn't. 

Pastor Casey asked us to open up to Luke 18:1. 

{Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up.}

Not. Give. Up. 

Another translation says "not to lose heart". 

I couldn't help but bow my head and sigh. 

But it was what I needed to hear. 

I always question whether or not I should share so much with you guys.  But I always decide to, because I want you to understand (as best as you can seeing this from the outside) what we're feeling. 

I don't know what He's doing. I cannot imagine what the need would be for so many delays. 

But trying to figure it out wouldn't help. It would probably only make things harder. 

We may never know the reasons. And I'm becoming okay with that. 

We just have to make sure that we can dust ourselves off and keep trusting Him. 

It's hard. But I'm going to keep praying and hoping that this is the week. 

I'll do anything to hold her. And I know that will be one of our greatest moments. ❤️ 

  

  

Where to begin….

I honestly have spent a big portion of my time just staring at the screen, wondering what to say.

 

First of all, know that 99.9999999% of adoption processes are not like ours. (I’m not sure how KC and I feel being the rare exception.)

 

For whatever reason, MOWA and the Ethiopian courts don’t follow the “normal” processes and procedures with us.

 

We have no clue why. By all accounts, we should have had our file reviewed today and should have received our court date.

 

But instead, the courts issued a separate court date of October 10^th for MOWA to review our file (again)  to issue their recommendation – positive or negative.

 

That means we would not receive a court date until the week of the 13^th.

 

KC and I are at the point where we are no longer sad, but angry. There is no logical reason why Bertie should not have already been home. There’s no logical reason why we should not have been given a court date today.

 

We entered into this stage of the process with several families, and our file has consistently been re-done, delayed, and turned back.

Again, this makes absolutely no sense  to anyone - us or our agency. Our agency has no idea why "the change in process".

I wanted to wait before typing up a post because there are still a lot of unanswered questions. Ethiopia is 8 hours ahead of us, so the time difference can get a bit frustrating in instances like this. 

Guys, I'm going to be transparent with you. We do not know what another 'no' from MOWA and the courts would mean. We do not know if we could "lose" Bertie because they are not "content" with our file and what it contains. 

Friends, this is MORE than just us "waiting on God" or "trusting in His timing". 

KC and I both strongly feel like we're in the middle of a battle; a spiritual battle. 

In Ephesians 6:12-13 we're told that:

[Our] struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 

There comes a time when we are called to do more; when we're called pray and fast and seek Him out. 

That does not mean that prayer and fasting will immediately remedy the situation. Many times, it will be hard fought. 

Then he continued, “Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them. 

But the prince of the Persian kingdom resisted me twenty-one days. Then Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me, because I was detained there with the king of Persia. 

-Daniel 10:12-13

For 21 days, Daniels prayers were fought. Daniel kept praying. He held on to faith that He would come through, and He did. 

KC and I are not giving up. We are, again, asking for your prayers. 

But if you feel led, we are asking you to take it a step further and fast for Bertie as well. 

 

  

  

A battering ram

When talking about trials, I've frequently used the oceans waves as a comparison. 

You're fighting the waves, and many times it seems like you're finally able to break through the waves and  gasp for air before being pummelled by another wave. 

Definitely what a lot of us have felt like during hardships. Definitely how I have felt through almost all of them. 

But this last week, I feel as though experienced something a bit different. 

KC asked me on Friday how I was feeling. I told him I felt like I was getting hit with a battering ram. 

I'd have moments where I felt okay, but then it'd hit and man would it hit hard. 

I feel like a battering ram is worse than the waves. It's deceitful. It gives you a few moments to feel like you're okay. To feel as though it's over. But in reality, each hit is just weakening you. 

If you've seen any type of war movie, you know what I'm talking about. For me, I think of Return of the King. The Orcs are attacking Gondor. In order to gain entry, they use a battering ram (which apparently is named Grond) against the big wooden doors. Doors that could hold up to almost anything. 

Here's the thing about battering rams; they slowly destroy us. They take away our strength. With each hit, our resolve to stand in our battle weakens. 

With each hit, we begin to question who we are, what we're doing, and why we're in the battle that we're in. 

More importantly, we begin to question God. We begin to doubt His character. We begin to wonder if He was ever really on our side at all. 

We yell and get angry. We tell God 'Haven't we had enough?!'

Right now, I'm not getting any answers. It feels as though He's just holding me while I rage on. And sometimes, that's all we need. 

I know many of you do not understand what KC and I and the boys are going through and feeling. 

I know you're not sure how we can feel so much love for someone we've "only met on paper". 

That's okay guys. It's hard to understand. We don't need you to understand and we don't need you to fix it. 

Just the love and little words of encouragement have been enough. 

It's okay if you don't have big words of wisdom. Some of the best things that were said to us were simple "I don't know what to say, but I'm praying for you" sort of things. 

*sigh*

Guys. It comes in waves. I find the hot tears running down my face before I even realize it. Small things cause the tears to begin; like realizing we are going to miss her 5th birthday and realizing we could be gone over Thanksgiving. 

I'm confused. I'm frustrated. I'm sad. 

And right now, God is holding me through each hit we take. 

I came across this quote on Thursday:

And I've been holding tightly to it. Mulling it over. Praying about it. 

And it hit me. 

I don't trust in God because of what He can do for me, I trust Him because of who He is...

He is my Comforter. My Protector. My Father, and my Friend. 

He is my Provider, and my Healer. 

He, dear friends, is FAITHFUL. 

I constantly hear people say, "He'll never give you more than you can handle"...

I don't think that's true. I think if God gave me just as much as I could handle, I'd have no need to call on Him. I'd think I'd accomplished it of my own accord. 

No...

I think He gives us MORE than we could handle ourselves. So that when we climb out on the other side, we and everyone around us knows it was by His grace and the glory goes to Him and only Him. 

So right now, as I'm dusting myself off before another blow, I know that He is the only way that I will make it through. 

He is the reason for the fight. 

I, we, will continue on to fight the good fight of faith. 

For no other reason than HE is. 

  

What will you choose?

Something, somewhere, has gone wrong for the millionth time.

 

·         Your kid gets sent home with a note (for the third day in a row) for disruptive behavior

·         Your youngest smashes his face into a doorknob and now has a shiner on his cheek

·         Bad  weather + schools close = a frazzled mom with less PTO time in her bank

·         Your dog escapes again

·         Changes at work mean more work time for less pay

·         Bad weather + 2 hour drive in said bad weather + overnight stay in different city + closed USCIS office = 2 frazzled parents with less money in their pocket and PTO time in their bank

·         You’re pants are too tight because (in the wise words of Gru) “sometimes [you’ve] eaten instead of facing [your] problems”

 

You get it, I get it. Sometimes, things go wrong; they don’t happen the way we want or when we want. And today. After discovering the next available USCIS appointment was March 19^th, I yelled at God. Well, first I cried THEN I yelled. Not out loud or anything, people at work would’ve thought I was crazy! (er, crazier!)

 

But in my head. I couldn’t help but yell “SERIOUSLY GOD! Enough. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” (if you know me, you know exactly how I said that “Gah”)

 

But then, I realized in all the things that have gone wrong, there are so many more that have gone right. 

No matter how many times I tell myself that the bad is seriously starting to outweigh the good, that couldn't be further from the truth. 

The bad won't last forever. The delays, the additional paperwork, the processing times... Those will all pass. 

Don't get me wrong, it stinks to still have to go through all of this. But, we know who she is! I have a picture. It's real. There's a little girl waiting on the other side of all this red tape. 

I want her home. And I want her home now. I mean, who wouldn't?!

But we've crossed the threshold from CRAZY HARD WAITING to CRAZY WAITING. I think that's bearable. So far it is. 

So I'm choosing to keep the blessings at the front of my mind - nothing else. Because if you don't keep things in perspective, you'll allow all those bad things to take up residence in your mind, and once they're there, they won't want to leave. 

Take the time today, and make yourself find one positive from today. Only 1. But I bet if you think, you'll start to come up with more. 

Choose joy. 

Whether you're tired of hearing this phrase or not, it doesn't change the fact that it holds truth. 

Choose. It's your choice. Dwell in the negativity or delight in the positivity. 

It's your choice. 

Me? Well, He delights in me, and I know I delight in Him. ❤️