Friday, September 5, 2014

Dossier Update: Part Two

Our dossier did not make it back from D.C. today. So it did not get sent off to Ethiopia like we were hoping.

Turns out, it hasn't even left D.C. yet.

I want to tell you that I took this news like a champ.

But that would be lying.

I cried.

I got angry.

And frazzled.

And then sad.

Guys, I'm tired. I'm not going to pretend like I'm not.

This whole thing has been tiring.

The constant delays and hiccups and emotional ups and downs...

They're tiring.

I told KC just this morning that I feel drained. I feel like I've got nothing left.

My mind feels so fried from the constant battles going on.

The adoption battle.

The family battle.

The work battle.

The finance battle.

The everyday, mundane needs battle.

I have barely slept the last 3 weeks, and I can only assume it's because my mind is on stress overload right now.

After explaining this to KC as best as I could, he said "like too little butter on too much bread". I loved the LOTR reference, and I loved that he understood.

I'm praying for rest. I'm doing my best to not think too much about the future - it's out of my control and it's too hard to try to control it.

We had a meeting with Caed and Ollie's teachers to explain about the adoption and let them know we would be out of the country for 4-6 weeks. It was hard getting through that without crying - since I still don't have a definite travel date yet.

We came home, and I just fell into bed. KC told me to spend some time in our room alone while he and the boys straightened up the house.

I couldn't help it. The tears of frustration I had been holding in all day fell fast.

I stared at Bertie's face on my lock screen and cried even harder.

It's hard. Crazy. Hard.

And that's how I know, I need rest. Not just the let's-relax-at-home-for-the-weekend-and-binge-eat kind of rest; but the deep supernatural rest that comes from our Father.

Some days, it takes all the strength I can muster to just say "Please Lord".....

I'm not sure if I've ever fought so hard for something; I'm not sure if I've ever been fought this hard about something.


Our coordinator said they would try to send our dossier off next week as soon as they got it. In all honesty, I'm almost too scared to hope that it get's sent off before Friday.

Each delay hits us hard. REALLY hard.

But as scared as I am not to hope to hard, I'm even more afraid of not stepping out. Even with each delay and each prayer that God answers with a "not yet my dear", I have to keep putting myself out there.

I have to take those leaps and trust that He will catch me.

So right now, even though I KNOW that He's got this, even though I know it's all in His timing, even though I know we'll travel when He wants us too....

Right now, in this moment, this delay still hurts. It sucks. And I'm allowed to say so.

So long as I don't allow these delays to skew my view of Him.

He has done SO much for us. More than I can write down in a blog post.

He sees Bertie.

And He sees me.

And I know He is looking out for us. <3

Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 
Matthew 11:28 


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