We have less than 2 weeks before our birth parent court date! I’m praying these next few weeks go by fast. This week has been much better than the last oh, I dunno, 4 to 6 weeks.
I’ve been praying non-stop, but I neglected to read scripture or any of my devotionals. And I could really feel it taking its toll on me. I was grumpy, unmotivated, emotional, and just all around unpleasant to be around. I was in a deep pity party. No matter what I did, I could. not. shake it.
I neglected house work, didn’t care about making dinner, and just lazed around the house watching Property Brothers at night.
.... It was a bad place to be friends.
The last time I was in that deep of a funk was when I was pregnant with Caed. I had sever hyperemesis gravidarum (really bad morning sickness). I lost 25 pounds, couldn’t eat a thing, and was hospitalized twice for dehydration. I did nothing but lounge around and cry. Haha!
It’s funny now, but I know it was stressful to KC to see me like that and to not be able to do anything to help pull me out of my pity party and emotional slump.
And I came to that place again this summer.
I was tired of everything taking so darn long. I was frustrated with the adoption.
With our finances.
And yes, with God.
So, I prayed, but didn’t really talk to Him or allow Him to talk to me. I knew He wanted me to pursue Him, but I just couldn’t. I was tired. And, to be 100% honest, I felt a little betrayed by Him.
We should have traveled in May or June. Here it is July and an August travel date is still up in the air. The only 3 months where airfare is ridiculously high is summertime. We’ve got nothing left. It’s always one more thing or one more month.
I felt like yelling, “God, you can do anything. Why won’t you do this for us? Isn’t there a point where enough is enough?!”
Truthfully, those feelings and emotions towards Him continue to try and creep in.
From a worldly standpoint, my feelings were warranted – like we’re allowed to feel that way. But if we don’t keep our emotions in check, they’ll begin to control us and things will start to spiral out of control.
*points to self*
This is where I was. How did I get out of it?
There’s no special formula, just me finally being tired of having this defeatist attitude. Sunday, the new sermon series was good. Well, what I heard of it – because, I wasn’t paying too much attention. I was letting all my issues distract me. I let my mind run rampant with crazy scenarios and wild daydreams.
But the part I DID hear was when our pastor challenged us to read just one chapter in the Bible every day this week. Just one.
So I decided to do it. And I did.
I’ve read anywhere from 3-5 chapters in 2-3 different books.
And as crazy as it sounds, I’ve felt better in these last few days than I have in the last few weeks. I’ve gotten home, made dinner (as best as we can with a broken fridge – no worries, it gets fixed tomorrow), emptied the dishwasher, reloaded it, and last night I even made cookies!
We had a “friend night” this week, and I got to talk to my bestie about how I’ve been feeling. And I love her. She gets me. She’s my person. She doesn’t judge. But at the time when I need it, she’ll tell me to “suck it up buttercup!” or she’ll send me verses.
It was nice getting it all off my chest to her.
This week has reminded me of who I was and who I want to continue to be. I don’t like being grumpy. I don’t like to feel like the defeatist. I’m that weird friend that is annoyingly peppy. Who, ala Elizabeth Bennet, “dearly loves to laugh”, and will slap my husband while he’s pulling clothes out of the dryer just so we’ll get into a weird “play fight” and chase each other around the house. I’m an optimist. A daydreamer.
I’m someone who can honestly count on only one hand the people she’d rather not be around… ever. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt until they prove me wrong. I have only a few friends, but would wouldn't mind to have more. I’m constantly putting myself out there.
I'm an extrovert. I enjoy people. I enjoy talking *A LOT*. I shamelessly enjoy the "nerd life". I’m a LOTR, DW, OUAT, Marvel, and Sherlock fanatic. I will read an 800 page book in 1 day, and then feel like my life is over because I have to wait years for the next one.
I fluently speak in movie quotes, use many different accents and all the inappropriate times, and my head is FULL of useless trivia.
Was. AM. Happy-go-lucky. Lighthearted. Giggly. Carefree.
That’s not to say that I don’t worry about things, because Lord knows I do. But I’ve gotten good at handing that all over to Him. I want to be back in that place again. That place of living and breathing God; a place of unconditional trust.
This week was the turning point.
Waiting is hard.
Adoption is hard.
LIFE is hard.
But we are the ones who choose how to respond to hardship. We can choose to endure it with grace and joy, or with grief and pity.
And as someone who started off enduring it with grace and joy but turned to grief and pity, I do not recommend the latter.