Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Free Fall

I was hoping to have a nice update on the home study before posting again…. but we're still hitting a few snags. I'm not going to lie; my heart aches as I write this post. Every delay, every hiccup, every setback, every lull... it hurts. We don't have a home study approval, we don't have a referral, we don't have a travel date - but we have this intense love for our daughter. And every holdup puts the distance between us that much further. As I fight the urge to curl up in the fetal position and sob, I know I need to be strong. I knew going into this that it would take every ounce of my strength to make it through. I always thought I had the utmost faith in God and what He had planned, but this process has put that faith to the test.

As I'm typing this, I can see God standing behind me telling me it's okay. Telling me to trust Him. Like that game you'd play where someone stood behind you and you'd stiffen up and fall into their arms. No control. Once you fall back, there's nothing you can do. Close your eyes, relish in the exhilaration surging through you as you wonder if you'll be caught in their trusting arms or fall hard on the harsh ground. 
Can I do it? Can I just allow myself to release this control and fall into His strong arms? Can I push my fear aside? Can I trust that He knows what He's doing? That He has Effie safe in His arms even though she's not in mine? "Stop trusting in man, who has but a breath in his nostrils" -Isaiah 2:22
{Yes, I'm crying in case you were wondering}

{The truth is, I did nothing. I didn’t live well or believe well or stay strong in my faith. I laid with my face on the floor in the darkness and just let the small, inextinguishable flame of truth do what it is meant for. No one will write my name in history books as a woman of great faith nor will I pen studies giving guidance on overcoming adversity. They’ll simply reference an ancient text and see where in one life, it was true: For where I am weak, He is strong}

I will give Him my all even though it may be nothing. I feel wrung out, dry, empty. But I'm still clinging to Him - working to relinquish it all. Because a plan in my hands is just that, a plan. But a plan in His hands is a PROMISE. He will not fail me, I may lose faith in Him but He never loses faith in me. He cannot deny who He is (2 Tim. 2:13). And yet…. He still delights in me. adores me. loves me. Just waiting for me to allow Him to calm the storm inside.

Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. -Isaiah 41:10



  1. <3 you sandIa. HUg. Smoosh. In my arms. :D

    1. Thanks Maddi. <3 Hugs are definitely appreciated!