Tuesday, July 10, 2012

It's in the wait...

I know this topic has popped up in almost every post on my blog. I talk about it a lot. But never realized why. I knew we were in for a long wait, I knew I had to be strong and remain faithful, but inside I was a mess trying to figure out why. Why have we waited 10 months? With nothing to show? No home study, no dossier, no official wait list placement. We are WAY past where we should be on the agency's timeline. By this point, we should be officially waiting to be placed with a little girl.

God gave me a verse in Isaiah a few weeks ago that just won't leave my mind - "Don't put your faith in the promises of men". Why not? Because you'll likely be disappointed. Point in case: we're 10 months in without even having our home study approved.

But the other day, KC and I had a long conversation about it all. I told him that as frustrated as I am, I have this odd calm inside. Like totally unusual for me. I'm normally a duck on water - calm on the surface, but under the water, I'm going 100 miles a minute. But the last few weeks, it's been completely different. Before, if I heard bad news or no news I'd just break down cry; I'd be sad at first, then it'd develop into anger and frustration. But as I've been trying to remain in a constant state of prayer, I've seen how much better I have accepted bad news. And we've received A LOT of it the last few weeks.

· After we spent money on getting the A/C in the van "fixed", we found out it was an even bigger problem. As in, over $1,000 to fix sort-of-problem
· After we thought we had the car fixed, we found out it's still leaking oil pretty bad (for unknown reasons) and all the windows (save the driver's side) have come off the roller things and are being held up precariously by bright blue and white polka dotted duct tape (none of that plain silver stuff here! hehe)
· Sunday night, KC got into the van (after spending alllllll that money to fix the A/C) and the fan wouldn't work in the front. It blew cold air from the rear vents, but was acting funny in the front - only working sporadically. So that is another repair to tack on.
· We thought the home study would be approved last week, but it still hasn't and we've not heard much as to why.
· Work has been a little slow for KC lately, and the one check he did get, we used to fix the van instead of putting it towards the adoption.

What did I do when I heard all of that?
A. Curled up in the fetal position and cried
B. Shook my fist in an exaggerated manner towards the heavens screaming at the top of my lungs whilst KC tried to restrain me
C. Simply smiled with KC as we realized something: Life may be hard, but God's peace is the only thing that has gotten us through it all.

Answer: Well, I seriously contemplated doing A & B (yes, together) and probably would have a month ago. Haha! But KC and I honestly just shrugged and said we'll replace the cars after the adoption, and whatever the reason is for the adoption delay, it's in our favor.

As we continued our conversation we totally realized that through 2 completely different circumstances, God taught us both the same lesson. It's in the wait. Vague? Yeah, I know. But it was clear as day to us. We're trusting in Him and in His timing. Not ours. KC was taught this lesson at the end of 2010 and beginning of 2011 through his time of joblessness. He felt completely worthless in not doing the job that a man is supposed to do: provide for his family. And folks, it was rough. I never once doubted KC and God's plan - but KC did. But as soon as he accepted the time of waiting and released that control, God gave him a verse. The gist of it was, I will provide for you suddenly (that was the actual word in the verse. suddenly). An hour later my brother-in-law came by with a job offer. And through that job, we are paying for the adoption. God chose to teach KC by taking away the one thing that He created man to be: a provider.

And my lesson? The adoption. The mother in me can't stand the fact that I know that I have a daughter out there and that each delay puts the distance between us further and further. This has been ongoing since last Spring. I'm fine when everything is going smoothly and is on track. But as soon as there's a kink, I freak out. The 2 verses that God has consistently brought to my attention to remind me of this are {Philippians 4:6-7 Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus} and {James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything.} Want to know what else is totally awesome? KC gave me both of these verses to read one day but in a different version. It took me a minute to realize they are the 2 that I have on each side of my desk. That I look at them every. single. day. KC was as excited as I was. It's amazing how God does that.

You know, this adoption, this job, it's not of our doing. As much as we think it is sometimes. And God has to remind us of it every once in a while. I'm not in control. I can't do any more than I'm doing now. God was and is preparing us through this time of waiting. For what you might ask? We aren't completely sure. We've been given a glimpse of what our future looks like and have had lots of confirmation on it. But all we know, is we are continuing to be made whole. You don't grow when life is easy and things are a breeze. You grow when you have to fight to make it to the top of that mountain. And as much as your mountain may feel like Mount Everest as opposed to the Boston Mountains here, YOU ARE GROWING! God is preparing you! You may not see it now, but you have to choose to see the joy and the beauty of every situation. The joy and beauty of my situation? Seeing KC and I grow closer and stronger in our marriage, seeing the boys get excited over meeting someone with "dark skin like Effie!", in knowing that one day I'll be holding Effie in my arms. Even in the midst of the difficulties and setbacks, I still have to hold on to my joy and my beauty and remember what it is I'm waiting for.

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