Sometimes....

Sometimes when my daughter is throwing a fit when I ask her to sit on her bed for hitting her brother, I forget how frustrated she must feel at not being able to communicate her feelings properly. 

Sometimes when my daughter is crying so violently she's about to vomit, I forget how much her world has changed. 

Sometimes when my daughter is screaming for seemingly no reason, I forget that she's still a typical 5 year old girl. 

Sometimes I forget. 

And most times I get angry. At the screaming, crying fits that can't be stopped. The fits that have to run their course. 

Sometimes I forget and have to apologize for losing my cool. 

Sometimes I forget to be patient. 

Sometimes I cry and am ashamed that I let my frustration take over. 

And today, as I sought God after a trying morning, my eyes found Psalm 73:26 - "my heart and flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever". 

I let that verse wash over me as I had Rend Collective on repeat. The album we listened to continually in Ethiopia. 

Bertie always seeks me out when I put myself in "time-out". She found me sitting on my bedroom floor. She gasped in delight when she heard the songs playing. She remembers them from our time in Addis. She began singing softly and sat next me. She put her head on my shoulder and her hand in my hand. 

I apologize. 

She apologizes. 

Then she sits on my lap and tells me how much she misses her friend and her big brother. 

Her friend who slept beside her at night and sometimes cried. 

Her big brother who would call her at the orphanage to talk. 

Sometimes she tries to explain things to me that I cannot understand and tears run down her cheeks. 

I wipe her tears and tell her it's ok to be sad. But that her friend is her friend forever. And her brother is her brother forever. 

We will always have days like today. Because of the loss that comes with adoption. 

Bertie remembers and will always remember. Its our job to help walk her through the emotions that come with remembering. 

It's tough. 

But He will help guide us. No matter how big of a mess I'll likely make of it at times, He'll still be there.  ❤️

"Countless second chances we've been given at the cross..." 

   

Adoption is love and war

I'm stealing that phrase from my husband. And yes, you read it right. 

Right now, sweet B is in survival mode. We had a few days of perfection, but that's long gone. 

Are we excited to finally be here and see our daughter? ABSOLUTELY. 

But we're in a battle. She's been so independent and has been allowed to kind of do whatever for 5 years. And that can't be undone in a matter of days. 

This is HARD WORK. So while I'm ecstatic that were at this point after 4 years, now comes the nitty gritty. 

The showing her we love her immensely but still slowly applying boundaries. Trying to teach her English and trying to learn Amharic. 

It's tough stuff. 

It'll be tougher still when we get home. But it'll at least be home court advantage. Lol. 

We're tired. She's tired. We're mentally drained. She's mentally drained. We're ready to be home. And she's ready to be home. She asks every day when we're going to America. 

So when we're holed up in our house for weeks, it's because we're working on developing trust and bonding. 

Hear me out. Yes, it's tough stuff. Really tough. But don't think for a second it was a mistake. Because it wasn't. Not. In. The. Least. 

(PS. I'm not gonna lie. We've had a few moments of panic this week, but God has helped us through them. I mean, what new parent hasn't? Whether through adoption or biology! Lol.)

Because we know, in a few months, in a year, things will be better. Healing takes time. 

So please pray for us all. For physical healing to mental healing and especially spiritual healing. ❤️

We've emailed the embassy to see about speeding up the medical process. The replied back with the okay once we get s list of things for them. 

Please help us pray we can get those items FAST and she can start the medical portion by Wednesday or Thursday. 

KC is heading home Thursday (unless there's a major delay) and I don't want to be by myself for more than a week if I can help it. 

So please pray that we get the medical, birth certificate, passport, and visa ASAP. 

We're ready to be home. ❤️❤️