The longer we wait, the harder it is to get updates from our agency…. The kind of updates you don’t want to get. The kind of updates that state that because of new processes, referrals are slllooowwwiing down. Therefore, wait times will be – you’ve got it – EXTENDED.
When we’d get crappy news in the beginning (I tried finding another word, but none fit quite as good as crappy), I’d find myself taking a deep breath and saying “Eh, it’s okay. It’s all part of the adoption process!” I may or may not have naively thought “This is the real deal! We’re even getting bad news! Woot woot!” I know. I realize how foolish I was.
Now, when every we get news like we just got – I find myself staring at the screen. Blankly. Honestly, a lot of times my mind just freezes as I take it in. I’ve gotten to the point that it feels like the norm. Not that it doesn’t suck. Not that it doesn’t hurt. Not that I don’t want to bawl. We’ve just crossed that threshold into “The Norm”.
I know some of you who are new may think “But you’ve only been waiting to be matched for a few months right?”. You are correct. However, we sent in our first piece of paperwork on my 24th birthday. We’d been in contact with an agency prior to that, but we mailed our initial app that day. Two months from Wednesday will be my 27th birthday. It took us A LOT longer to even get to the point of actively waiting for a match. It was 2 ½ years to be exact! So while most people can get to the actively waiting part within 6-18 months, it took u s30 months. Thirty long months of back and forth with our agency of new paperwork, old paperwork, lost paperwork, found paperwork. So you can understand why this is so hard.
We’ve been in the adoption process for 34 months, stretching over 3 years. I am still joyful – because that is something that cannot be taken from me. I still thank God every day because us pursuing Effie is a reflection of how He pursues us. She has no idea who we are or what we are going through for her right now, but some days, it takes everything in me to wake up and choose to be positive.
I praise God for His goodness through many tears. My weakness is made stronger in Him. I run to Him – as fast as my short little Hobbit legs will take me – when I feel like I can’t go on another step. Days when I have the fleeting thought of just giving up.
I try to be as brutally honest with you guys as I can. Whether or not this gets read, it’s a way for me to get my feelings down and off my mind and out of my heart. I’ll fight and fight hard. But there’s always that thought of “Lord, what are we doing?! What are YOU doing?!” And quite frankly, I do not know the answer to the second part of that question, but that's okay.
I have NO idea what He is doing. But the ONLY thing I have through crappy times like today is faith and trust in Him. I have no definite timeline on when my daughter will be home. But I certainly know that He loves me. That he pursues me. That He’s here right now next to me, brushing my hair behind my ear and holding me. He is the ultimate comforter. And just like a friend who will sit next to you, silently, and let you ugly cry – so will He. ❤