Friday, September 28, 2012

Come and gone...

Well, our one year mark - September 23rd - has come and gone with little fanfare. I must admit, I'm a little disappointed. I had hoped that we would have received something that would have made it a great day. Granted, we've been in this adoption place since December of 2010, but our paperwork was approved on September 23rd of 2011. So we've passed the one year mark of being in this tedious paper chase and we're coming up on 2 years of accepting the call to adopt. Gosh, has it really been that long? It doesn’t seem like it.

I'm not going to sugar coat it. These last few months, weeks, and especially days have been incredibly rough. Many of you know the situation surrounding my dad - well, he was sentenced in court on Monday. He'll be serving out 20 months (in addition to the 10 he's already served) in federal prison. He'll most likely have his residency revoked and be deported after serving his time. This was one day after our 1 year adoption paperwork-iversary. So to say this week has been rough is a serious understatement. I think this has been the hardest week I've had in a very, very long time.

This week, everything just seemed to grate on my nerves. I tried to put on my happy face and go through the motions. But most everyone could see right through that. I'm clinging to God with everything I've got. No, scratch that, He's clinging to me. Because I don't think I've had the strength to keep holding on.

But KC reminded me of something last night: each time that our situation has become just completely unbearable, He shows up in a big way soon after. So I'm holding tight to that. This week was the pits. I think of the scene in The Holiday when Kate Winslet slaps herself in the face and says "Low point!" and shakes herself out of her despair. Then, a few moments later everything changes for the better. I'm hoping our moment comes soon.

I hate feeling like this and have been in constant prayer this week. I even got "irked" with KC last night just so I could point my anger and frustration to something tangible. So, I tried to pick a fight. Then I realized how utterly ridiculous I was being and had to apologize to KC. He kind of laughed about it, but I felt so horrible. I don't like being upset. I'm not na├»ve, but I like to see the positive in things - I like people telling me that they love that I'm always smiling. This week was just one of those times where I've been overwhelmed with taking 2 steps forward just to get knocked 4 steps back. And instead of remembering everything that God has done for us, I was content to just be …. frazzled.

So while I'm on the upward spiral, I'm still not quite to the top. So prayers would be more than appreciated. I've had so many people rallying behind us, behind me, that I feel awful that I'm still getting out of this muck. But some days, it takes a bit more effort on our part. It is only through God's strength that I'm able to continue traversing this mountain. It will all be worth it. MORE than worth it when we finally see a picture of her. The hard is what makes ALLLLLLLL of this worth it.

Because I will be able to look back and see that it wasn't through me that this happened, but through Him. That on this week, when I couldn't do anything but fret, He was still working for us. I can't see what He sees.

So while I'm in this place of 'bleh', I know He's working on making everything come together for us. Maybe not in the way I'd like or as quickly as I'd like, but in His own way (that is WAY better than my way) and His timing. Why? Because He adores me and hates to see me cry. Because He adores Effie and hates to see her alone.  ©



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