In the 1st line...

I posted a link to an article entitled “10 Things Not to Say to an Adoptive Parent”. I laughed at number 4:

 

4. “Can’t you just go and pick him up?”

- Umm… no. Because that would be kidnapping.

 

And then yesterday as the boys and I were waiting in the car for Daddy to show up at the restaurant, Caedmon out of the blue asks “Can’t we just fly to Africa to get Effie already?” Oliver agreed with a loud “Yeah!”

 

I then proceeded to say, for what feels like the millionth time, “No buddy, we can’t just go and get her yet”. This was followed by whining and a “But whyyyy? It’s been like forever!”

 

My mind raced trying to figure out how I could explain to them the waiting process in a way they would understand. Thank the Lord I came up with something quick.

 

Me: Guys, right now, we’re waiting in line. You know how sometimes you wait in line for something that you really want and sometimes the line goes super slow?

 

Oliver: Yeah! Like at Chick-fil-A! (always thinking of food that one)

 

Me: Yep! Exactly! Right now, we’re waiting in line to see a picture of Effie.

 

(I’m jumping in here to explain that our agency doesn’t give us wait list numbers. Some agencies will do that to give you an idea of “where in line” you are. Our agency doesn’t quite do that as they’re matching the family to the child, not necessarily the next person “in line”. Each agency does things differently and has different views on it – not that one is better than the other.)

 

Caedmon: But what if another family takes her on accident?

 

Me: That won’t happen buddy. There are a lot of kiddos there waiting to meet their families. Once we get a picture of Effie, she’ll be ours okay?

 

Caedmon: Okay. If you’re sure.

 

Me *thinking brilliantly ahead. Hehe*: Now, once we are finally at the front of the line and get a picture of Effie, we have to get in another line. In this line, we’re waiting to go to court and see the judge so he can say we’re Effie’s family.

 

Caedmon: COURT!! What if the judge takes you to jail!

 

Me: No, it’s okay. It’s a judge that wants Effie to have a home. We won’t go to jail in Africa.

 

Oliver: Phew! That was close.

 

Me: Okay. And once we’re done at court, we’ll come back home and then we’ll be in the last line. The last line we wait in is to FINALLY bring Effie home.

 

Caedmon: Well, that doesn’t seem too hard.

 

Me: Nope. It’s just a lot of waiting patiently. Now, how many lines are there.

 

Oliver: Three!!!

 

Me: And what line are we in?

 

Boys: One!!

 

Caedmon: But it is kinda hard to wait.

 

Me: I know. But, what we can do in the meantime is pray that God helps us stay patient while we’re waiting our turn. And we can keep praying for Effie.

 

Caedmon: Yeah, that she doesn’t get hurt or nuthin’.

 

Oliver: I’m worried about going to Africa! I’ve never been there before.

 

Me: ………. Well……. You guys probably aren’t going to go to Africa with us. It’ll just be me and Daddy.

 

Boys: WHAT?!?! Why!

 

Me: Because, it’ll cost a lot more money and there are a lot of other reasons. BUT you get to stay here and chill out with some of our family! Woot woot!

 

Boys: Woot woot!

 

Oliver: Mom.

 

Me: Yes Ollie.

 

Oliver: So…. Can we stay home all by ourselves while you and Daddy are in Africa?

 

Me: Uh. No. I don’t think so.

 

Ollie: Oh poop. Fine then.

 

And then they proceeded to poke and mess with each other in the backseat of the car. Once Dad pulled up, they explained the process to him.

 

It was pretty exciting to hear them explaining it and actually understanding it. The longer we wait, the more antsy the boys get. They know it’s been a while since we first started talking about Effie.

 

So here we are. Waiting patiently after getting good news from our agency yesterday that Ethiopia has no intentions of closing the doors to international adoption. We’re continually trusting in God.

 

We’d LOVE to be able to finally be matched and bring her home this year. But we know it’s all in God’s hands.

 

We’re back in the paper chase a little bit – we’re working on updating some of our forms (home study and USCIS application) again. But at least it gives us something to do while we’re waiting. Since we bought a house, our social worker has to come over and inspect it and update our home study to send to USCIS for our I600A. So KC and I are trying to finish unpacking and getting Effie’s room set back up.

 

We were given a twin bed from a friend at work, so I’m going to paint it. We’ll still need to get a mattress and foundation, but her room is slowly coming together again.

 

No matter what this year brings, we are still holding to His promise; hoping that this is the year we finally get to see our little girls face.  ❤️

  

  

 

35 + 32

Tomorrow marks 35 months that we've been in the adoption process. On my 27th birthday next month, it will be a full 3 years since we mailed off our first piece of paper.

Yesterday, I posted a picture of our Dossier checklist. Since our Dossier will expire in May of this year, we were told last year that we would need to start gathering everything again in about February or March. 

Today I contacted our International Coordinator (IC) to make sure we still had the green light to get started. The response wasn't exactly what I was expecting. 

Since things have been moving so slowly in regards to referrals, our agency has decided not to require families to begin on their second dossier until closer to the time of an expected referral. 

KC and I thought that was great. Less paperwork to do multiple times as things begin to expire. 

What I wasn't expecting was the timeline. 

We were under the impression from our IC last year, that since we were open to certain special needs and to an older child, our wait time could be much shorter. (That didn't factor in to any of our decisions, it just turned out to be exciting news to us after we made our decisions)

Then, I sucked it up and asked the scary question: 

What does the timeline look like for us?

Our new Dossier Coordinator 'Mrs. C' replied that she spoke with our IC 'Mrs. K' about our specific case, and that our timeline, based on when our Dossier was sent, is looking to be 32 months. 

Yeah - I know. I felt like someone just knocked me in the gut. 

Thirty. Two. Months. Almost another. three. years. 

Guys.

I'm not gonna lie and say that I shrugged it off like no big deal. That I took it like a man and walked it off. Because I didn't. I cried after the initial shock wore off.

I know they're just numbers. And I know that my God is bigger than those two numbers put together and He can do anything. I know that He is good and He is going to fulfill His promise. I know that through Him, we could get a referral next month! I know that. Deep down, down to the smallest thing I am made of, I know that He's got this.

But I'm tired. I'm worn out from this back and forth ride that KC and I seem to be stuck on. 

Today, I feel like the underdog in the boxing ring. The one no one thinks is going to make it. 

When the underdog is fighting his hardest and gets hit with a tough blow. He falls face down on the boxing ring floor. And he's laying there wondering:

What just happened?

How did I get here? 

Crap, I hurt all over.

This floor is so nice, maybe I'll just stay down.

Yeah - I'm exhausted 

.....and I don't think I've got anything left. 

Cinderella Man

Yeah. I felt like that today. 

I honestly wish I could Vulcan mind-meld with you guys. I sometimes feel like writing this all out isn't adequately conveying all the crazy emotions running rampant inside me.

As KC and I stood here in the kitchen talking about it, I did shed a few tears as I told him that I'm drained. That doesn't mean I won't keep fighting for her. But today, I'm just - exhausted, worn out, weary, fatigued, dog-tired... take your pick.

KC walked over and took my hands, and we prayed. 

And just like those underdogs, something comes to our mind and re-energizes us; something the audience may see as a flashback. 

For me, it was a verse. A verse I gave to KC earlier today for a completely unrelated situation. Funny how God works like that. 

And that flashback is enough to give them the strength to fight another 1, 3, or 6 rounds. And more often than not, that underdog comes out victorious. 

Effie will be here; and whether 2014 is the year or not, we'll keep swinging.   <3  

Who You Are

I love JJ Heller. There’s just something about her songs that always seem to say what I feel deep inside. She is my favorite artist. The Boat Song is my ringtone for KC. 😊

 Her voice is so lovely and melodic, and the songs she writes are just beautiful. 

I haven’t heard her new stuff yet, but while browsing her Pinterest, I saw a video for I Know Who You Are. I haven’t heard that one, so I decided to check it out. I’ve posted the video below for you guys to watch.

I cried. I know, I know, that comes pretty easy for me (especially in this Christmas season) – but there’s a part at the end where she just keeps repeating this line:

Sometimes I don’t know, I don’t know what you’re doing,

I don’t know, I don’t know what you’re doing….

And then, she comes in with the final line that really hit me:

But I know who You are.

Yeah. I know right? This line puts into pretty song what my last few posts have been about. I have no idea what God is doing – and lets face it, the not knowing can really suck – BUT I know who He is.

And that part in the song, at 3:18 when she holds her hands up in worship just reduced me to tears. A combination of tears of joy and tears of surrender.

I don’t know what You’re doing, but I know who You are. And for right now, that’s more than enough.   ❤

  

  

Be honest and brave…

Oh man. Do you ever read something – an email or text from a friend, a verse, or a devotional – and think God, you’re speakingright. to. me. That’s how I felt today on three separate, instances. Yet, they were all three so perfect and each one reiterated a point from the other! I love when that happens. 

I checked my Instagram and saw this quote from Kay Warren.

 

 

This is exactly what I try to convey when I post on my blog. “The determined choice to praise God in all things…” That’s where I’m at.

 

My last post was a bit more emotional than usual, but I knew I needed to be honest and let my feelings pour out. It frightens me sometimes to do that. I feel like that’s when I’ve been hurt the most; when I open myself up and allow myself to be vulnerable. It’s really only ever backfired before I met KC. So it’s something that still terrifies me. I try to remain passive and strong so I don’t get hurt by sharing the emotions battling inside me. I HATE sharing my feelings with others. So many thoughts race through my mind:

 

What if they think I’m crazy?

What if they’re uninterested?

What if they make fun of me when they get home?

What if they don’t get it?

 

And then this morning, (in)Courage had this devotional – When Holidays Hold More Sorrow Than Joy. I didn’t think much of it, but read it anyway. I’m attaching the link for you guys to read, but I’m going to attach just a little piece from it, the part that struck me and caused tears to well up in my eyes.

 

On Living Wide Open and Being Held

…. It’s still okay for the emptiness to feel raw at times.

Because God never leads us through pain apart from a corresponding invitation to intimately experience His nearness.

And in this season, while you ache, this is His heart for you: Live wide open.  

Don’t close your heart. Don’t allow numbness to set in – because to be numb to pain is to be numb to joy. And God has joy for you, friend.

It may come in tiny blips at first. Embrace it as it comes. Smile. Laugh. Play goofy games and eat good food and give gifts and hugs and enjoy your loved ones.

And when the ache feels acute? Don’t run from it.

Cry if you need to. Be honest and brave.Entrust your heart to a few close ones by allowing them to simply be present with you in the aching.

There’ll be times when your heart isn’t handled well by those who love you. Intentions are good, but we humans are sometimes ignorant when it comes to handling each others hurts.

When people fail to compassionately hold our hearts? God extends to us the most precious of invitations:

Beloved, let Me hold you.  

Be gut-wrenchingly honest before Me. Entrust the depths of your pain to Me. Your raw authenticity before Me is the sweetest fragrance to My heart, and this ache is where I’m inviting you into intimacy.

So give yourself permission to just be before Him, friend.

Live wide open.

Cry.

Mourn.

Laugh.

Hug.

Be.

Let your emotions be what they are, from moment to moment, and allow others into them. Especially Him. There’s no greater gift you can offer – to others or to your Father who loves you – than your authentic heart.

 

 And then, Beni Johnson posts on FB a portion of her devotional this morning:

"Linger a while in My Presence, letting My Love soak into your soul."

 

This. This is perfect. All of it. It’s spoken in love. It’s what I was talking about last week. Beloved, let Me hold you.  This is what He says to me. I may still have a hard time opening up to others, but He will always be there.

 

Choice. That’s what it’s about. Choosing to let Him and others in. Choosing joy. Choosing to praise Him no matter the outcome. Life will be hard – it’s full of brokenness; we’re broken. But choosing Him over all the pain, sorrow, and grief is what it’s about. Choice.

 

Choose Him. It doesn’t magically take away the hard times. It makes them easier because you have someone to lean on. I’m choosing Him.  ❤

 

 

 

 

 

{Click here for the rest of the post from (in)Courage. And I highly recommend signing up for their daily devotional emails  http://www.incourage.me/2013/12/when-holidays-hold-more-sorrow-than-joy.html}