Pains and Promises

As we head into the month of December, it’s hard not to dwell on the fact that another year has come and gone without Effie. I spent a lot of time Sunday having an “emotional purging”… aka: cry-fest. I don’t feel like such a pansy when I say “emotional purging”. I’d feel like a whining-sissy-baby if I said I sobbed and bawled and ate Hershey’s chocolate over my daughter whom I have never laid eyes on nor met.

 

I honestly cannot explain this ache in my heart. I don’t quite understand it, so I know how hard it must be for those of you on the outside to understand what I mean. Yesterday afternoon, I curled up in bed next to my dear husband and “purged”….. and babbled – somewhat incoherently I might add - and then “purged” some more. As I lay there, curled up under my big soft comforter, my heart ached and yearned for her.

 

I. Just. Wanted. To. Hold. Her. To look her in the eyes and tell her how much I love and adore her. To tell her how wanted she is. How dearly loved she is. I cannot explain how I can hurt so much for someone I have never met. By all logic, I shouldn’t. But, I do. …… I’m a Mom.

 

I think of her every single day; some days more than others. And as the holidays draw near, it’s even harder. Not just because it’s another Christmas without her, but because another year of this journey is coming to a close. I know someday (hopefully soon) she’ll be home. She’ll be in my arms. And I’m holding on to that promise.

 

My hope isn’t in Effie or in her coming home though. My hope is in Christ. And just like His heart aches for those who have yet to come to know Him, my heart aches for her. I haven’t lost faith. I know He will fulfill the promise He gave to KC and I. And I’m rejoicing in Him.

 

I’m choosing to continue praising Him. This month will be hard – but it makes worshiping Him so much sweeter. Choosing to raise your hands in surrender and give it all up to Him. Choosing joy in the time that you’d rather spend crying. I trust Him with everything. He has never let me down. So I’ll praise Him now just like I will when Effie is finally home. Just like I will when she’s been home and things get hard again because she has pains that I cannot heal. I’ll praise Him from dawn ‘til dusk, through easy and tough. A loud and heartfelt Hallelujah! is all I need to comfort my soul…  

 

KC posted a great little blip on his Facebook yesterday about this. This is the part that stuck out to me the most:

 

{These pains are “birth pains” and God’s greatest promises come from impossible births.  ❤}

 

I also find it’s no coincidence that I came across this verse again this week, as Christmas is drawing near:

 

“Blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what had been spoken to her by the Lord…. ❤” Luke 1:45