Okay - I'm not normally a negative Nancy and I'm trying super hard to remain positive and upbeat. But boy let me tell you, Sometimes. It's. Hard….. at the beginning. Once you start to realize what's unfolding and how something you originally thought was "negative" is actually a "positive" from God. For example: Life has been pretty ding dang dong stressful and emotional this year - yep, since January oh-1 of 2012. Between work, family, the adoption, and finances - my emotions/stress level is on overload. 'Oh mish-mash!' You say. 'Who doesn't have stress in 3 out of 4 of those areas?' Well, the family aspect has been the most stressful. Without getting into all the gory details, I have not seen my dad in almost 3 years. I've probably only talked to him on the phone 3 times in those 3 years. My sweet boys: Caedmon has only met his grandfather only 2 or 3 times and dear Oliver has never laid eyes on his grandfather….
In January we found out a few things that are hard to deal with concerning him. My father is back in the States from Mexico. My still kinda-angry-little-girl-heart i wants him to suffer this out on his own. My broken-little-girl-inside-heart naively wants him to become the dad we always wanted him to be and wants everything to be butterflies and rainbows. And my almost-healed-Christ-follower-heart knows that it's all in His hands; that' there's nothing on earth I can do to change him.
I will be seeing my dad for the first time in almost 3 years on Friday. And boy am I nervous.
I've subconsciously asked God to relieve some of my stress and emotions that are all battling inside (through the wailing "stress induced" prayers). And He's done that - not by taking away the situation regarding my dad - but by putting the adoption process on hold until I can fully deal with this family situation. It's not what I wanted - not at all - but I wasn't specific in what I asked. AND I think He knows that this thing with my dad is pivotal in allowing God to completely heal my broken heart - that wound inflicted by my father. Because, how can I go into our home study interviews with all of this weighing on my mind - especially when she begins to ask questions about my dad. Yeah - we had to fill out family questionnaires' - let's just say my dad didn't get high marks.
Our home study has been pushed back another month. And after the initial wallowing in anger/self-pity, I breathed a sigh of relief. I didn't feel like I could add any more to this toppling plate of issues and responsibilities. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a bit irked, but I know that right now, that's what I need. One less thing to worry about. Now, I'm not telling you all this to feel sorry for me - but to remind you that God can make something great out of something bad. Whether or not my relationship with my dad ever becomes what I've dreamed it would, God is helping to heal my broken issues. Issues I've been in denial about for a long while… To quote Austin Powers: " Nothing could be my father from the truth….. No I dadn't…. Daddy didn't love me!!!" lol. (hey, I gotta lighten this post up somehow right?)
The best thing I can do right now is continue to choose JOY. Not always easy, but worth it in the end.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
{James 1:2-4}
