The hard

I'm not gonna lie. Today was a bit rough. 

Guys. Adoption is hard. This is hard. Being halfway across the world away from your child is hard. 

Physically, emotionally, spiritually, and every other -ally. 

The last few weeks, I've tried very hard not to cry each time we heard bad news. I've done pretty well. 

But I think it was just damming all the emotions. Because this weekend was difficult. 

I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want anyone to ask me questions. Because I didn't think I had enough strength to hold the tears in. 

Turns out, I didn't. 

As I was sitting in church today and the first song started in worship, I couldn't hold it in. And I didn't (for whatever reason I had in my mind) want to cry buckets of tears sitting on the front row. 

So I made my way to the bathroom as quickly as I could. And I cried in the stall for the remaining 2 songs. 

I freshened up and walked back out like I was fine and hoped that the message was something irrelevant. 

It wasn't. 

Pastor Casey asked us to open up to Luke 18:1. 

{Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up.}

Not. Give. Up. 

Another translation says "not to lose heart". 

I couldn't help but bow my head and sigh. 

But it was what I needed to hear. 

I always question whether or not I should share so much with you guys.  But I always decide to, because I want you to understand (as best as you can seeing this from the outside) what we're feeling. 

I don't know what He's doing. I cannot imagine what the need would be for so many delays. 

But trying to figure it out wouldn't help. It would probably only make things harder. 

We may never know the reasons. And I'm becoming okay with that. 

We just have to make sure that we can dust ourselves off and keep trusting Him. 

It's hard. But I'm going to keep praying and hoping that this is the week. 

I'll do anything to hold her. And I know that will be one of our greatest moments. ❤️